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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24507700">Every Beginning Has an End</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofhunter93/pseuds/queenofhunter93'>queenofhunter93</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EXO (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Character Study, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:42:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,425</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24507700</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofhunter93/pseuds/queenofhunter93</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Junmyeon didn't know when it began.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Wu Yi Fan | Kris</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>58</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Every Beginning Has an End</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Reposted from my livejournal. Please note the tags!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Junmyeon didn’t know when it began.</p><p>But somehow, in the back of his head, he had <em>always</em> known.</p><p>He noticed how the kids would always make fun of him, and not Yifan. The other guys would always tread carefully when they were talking to Yifan, but not to him. He knew that the other members would always ignore him, but not Yifan.</p><p>Because they knew, that for some reason, Junmyeon would never take his anger out on them.</p><p>Junmyeon remembered how the other members tried to prank Yifan by stealing Ace, and the other leader went nuts over it, scaring them.</p><p>Junmyeon wondered, if he was the one who lost his temper, would they be scared too?</p><p>He was always on the other end of Baekhyun, Jongdae, and Chanyeol’s pranks. Tao, Jongin, and Sehun would never listen to what he had to say. Yixing and Kyungsoo would – softly – ask him to run errands for them. Minseok, Luhan and Yifan would just stand at the back, watching it all happen. Every time those things happened, he would go through it with a smile on his face. He could feel someone’s eyes on him all the time, but he wasn’t sure whose.</p><p>Junmyeon didn’t know when it began.</p><p>But he knew that it <em>hurt</em>.</p>
<p></p><div>
  <p>***</p>
</div><p>Junmyeon didn’t know when it began.</p><p>But he realized that variety shows were painful to go through.</p><p>No one told him that it would be this painful. Not just – sometimes – physically exhausting, but also emotionally challenging. There would be nothing funny about variety show if someone wasn’t made fun of. So, sure, he knew he was going to be made fun of, <em>of course</em>. Either it was because of the great distance between his stage name and his real name, because of the length of his trainee years, or because he could do <em>nothing</em>.</p><p>He was just Suho. The <em>leader</em>. Not the main vocal, main dancer, main rapper, nothing. He was just the <em>leader</em>. If he introduced himself otherwise, he couldn’t do something to prove his role. Maybe there was a reason why Lee Soo Man-seonsaengnim held him back for seven years.</p><p>Don’t get him wrong, he loved being a leader. He was proud when he was appointed leader. He didn’t know why he was so happy back then when he was chosen as the leader and not Kyungsoo. But now he knew.</p><p>Because if he wasn’t the leader, he would be <em>nothing</em>. Being the leader was everything that he had. The fans called him one of the lead singers in EXO, but when he was singing with Baekhyun and Kyungsoo, his voice was nothing.</p><p>What was his role in EXO, other than one of the two leaders? He didn’t even have a role; he had <em>half</em> a role, having to share it with someone else.</p><p>He didn’t even have a stage to share with on their debut showcase. He only had a slideshow filled with his photos instead of him performing on the stage. Who would know what he could really do?</p><p>And people with eyes could see that he was doing one <em>hell</em> of a job as a leader. Note the sarcasm. People could see that Yifan was the one that the guys listened to. Not him.</p><p>He hated to say this, but he was just another pretty face with money and brains. Ever since he revealed on Beatles Code 2 about what his parents did for a living, where he lived, what his hobby was, and <em>how much money he could spend</em>, people online had been calling him $uho, with a dollar sign, or Junmoney. He saw a comparison gifset online on how he and Yifan handled money. He saw a gif where Jongdae said he spent almost 800,000 won to that day and the other gif was of Yifan bargaining for a damn toy in Beijing.</p><p>No one took notice of the fact that he stayed on the top 50 of his school while he was still in training. People only cared about the fact that he was <em>rich</em>.</p><p>He was called the Choi Siwon of EXO, but Siwon-sunbaenim was more than just a pretty face with money. He had <em>talent</em>. Something that Junmyeon felt he had that he wished people would acknowledge.</p><p>Junmyeon was still enrolled at one of the best arts college in South Korea, pursuing a degree in acting, yet no one noticed the acting skills that he thought he had. No, he wasn’t against Luhan and Jongin being the main actors in the drama version of their music video – he wasn’t even expecting to be chosen – but he belatedly realized that he had just lost the chance to reveal what he could do.</p><p>Even he wasn’t sure about this “pretty face” he claimed to have. On Shimshimtapa, he only heard himself calling out his name as the “ulzzang” of their “class”. And he was made fun of because of that. On Happy Camp, people voted for Yifan as the person who had the most affinity with girls. He enjoyed being in Sukira with Ryeowook-sunbaenim because even though he wasn’t sure if he was sincere, Ryeowook-sunbaenim would tell him that he was handsome. On their EXO-K days, he would hear the members telling him he was handsome. But when they were twelve, – don’t get him wrong, he loved being a part of twelve instead of six – his so-called handsome face would sink in the background as Yifan and Luhan shone.</p><p>People only knew him as the awkward member of EXO. He could even tell when he saw himself on TV, trying to become an MC with Baekhyun on Show Champion backstage, but he noticed that out of the four MCs, – the ’92-liners and him – he was the most awkward one. Even Amber-sunbaenim always told him to stop being awkward since his trainee days. That was very long ago, yet Amber-sunbaenim still said that. He didn’t know what else he should do to be seen as not awkward.</p><p>The other members and the staffs around them said that he was a coward. They publicly announced the fact that he couldn’t stand watching horror movies. Even though he tried to correct it, people would only see the fact that Kim Junmyeon, Suho, the leader of EXO, was afraid to watch horror movies.</p><p>He knew he was flawed, but he didn’t know that it would hurt like salt rubbed on a very fresh wound when people pointed out his flaws. Even after the MCs apologized to him, he could only hide the pain behind a blinding eye smile.</p><p>Junmyeon didn’t know when it began.</p><p>But he <em>hated</em> variety shows.</p>
<p></p><div>
  <p>***</p>
</div><p>Junmyeon didn’t know when it began.</p><p>But he noticed that the other members had started to flinch at his skinships.</p><p>It would be a totally abnormal day if Junmyeon didn’t go around helping Minseok wake everybody up with a sweet ‘good morning, get up’ to everyone and kissing the maknae-line’s foreheads just to gross them out and make them wake up.</p><p>But Yixing.</p><p>Sweet, way-too-kind Yixing had flinched when Junmyeon casually slung an arm around his waist.</p><p>If it was Jongin, he would understand, because Jongin hated skinships (unless it was from his beloved Kyungsoo-hyung) and Junmyeon didn’t really show a lot of skinship with Jongin. The same thing would happen with Jongdae, Baekhyun, and Luhan, who would only tolerate skinship from Minseok, Chanyeol, and Sehun, respectively.</p><p>But Yixing… Junmyeon didn’t really think he would get that kind of reaction from him.</p><p>The only ticklish spot that Junmyeon knew Yixing had was around his neck, and Yixing would only feel ticklish if someone <em>blew</em> on his neck, not touch it.</p><p>The second he felt Yixing flinch, he pulled his arm back and acted like nothing happened.</p><p>And then it happened again. But this time the realization that people were uncomfortable with his skinship came from Jongdae’s off-handed comment.</p><p>“Hyung, don’t you think you should stop hanging around Yifan-hyung? He seemed really uncomfortable whenever you mentioned the ‘eomma-appa’ thing.”</p><p>But how could he stop? It was the only thing close enough to having Yifan as his lover.</p><p>After pretty much lusting after Yifan for as long as he could remember, being apart from Yifan actually made him realize that his feelings were more than just lust. When they did separate promotions in different countries, Junmyeon craved Yifan’s existence near him. When Yifan was near, he craved Yifan’s attention, yet at the same time he wanted him away because he couldn’t handle being so flustered all the time. He couldn’t handle the increasing pace of his heartbeat whenever Yifan smiled at him. That was when he realized that he was, in fact, in love with Wu Yifan. He really needed to thank Tao for mentioning that Tao would call Junmyeon “mama” at the dorms, because then he could say that Yifan was the dad.</p><p>But hearing Jongdae say that Yifan actually hated the whole ‘eomma-appa’ ordeal discouraged him. After their schedules in China, he decided not to mention it ever again.</p><p>Junmyeon didn’t know when it began.</p><p>But he realized that he needed to stop his skinships.</p>
<p></p><div>
  <p>***</p>
</div><p>Junmyeon didn’t know when it began.</p><p>Not just the realization upon the fact that he was underrated by his own members, but the cutting.</p><p>He vaguely remembered being extremely aware that there were chances that his wrists and arms area would show, so he didn’t cut around those areas. He was extremely aware when he was cutting lines upon his thighs, because at least people wouldn’t see those. And most of all, he was extremely aware of the feeling of complete and utter <em>release</em> when he saw the blood flowing from those cuts. Of course, he would only put his pants back on after he was sure no more blood would flow. He didn’t want to risk staining his pants with blood and face the interrogation that would sure follow.</p><p>He remembered that first time they rehearsed for Wolf. He had just cut the night before, so when he was sliding out of the wolf cave, it hurt really badly. But he never said anything. It was only until he scratched his left knee until it bled through his training pants that the choreographer stopped them from continuing. He was silently thanking God that he didn’t cut anywhere near his knees, otherwise they would instantly see those still red lines adorning his fair skin when he rolled up his pants to get his knee looked at.</p><p>Before their comeback, he would cut no more than three times in a week. But when they started promotions, it got worse. The scrape on his knees sometimes halted their rehearsals. He tried not to make it a big deal, but somehow, people could tell when he was in pain. And he could clearly see how annoyed the other members and the PDs were about him stopping them mid-dancing, just to get his knee looked at.</p><p>That, for some reason, happened on every rehearsal. He could always feel someone’s eyes on him, probably judging him.</p><p>He would then find some kind of excuse to get himself out of the stage and into the bathroom. He’d try to find something sharp enough to make himself bleed and cut on his already scarred thighs. And then he would just sit there, leaning against the wall and bask in the feeling of release as he watch his own blood flowing from the thin lines. He didn’t know he could bleed so much from such a small scar, it actually fascinated him.</p><p>He sometimes wondered how much blood he could see from a bigger scar.</p><p>The first thing he would do when he was filming a variety show was to ask someone where the bathroom was. He could feel someone’s gaze on him sometimes, probably one of the members looking at him because he was annoyed that Junmyeon was holding them back. He would just cash that in as another reason why he felt the need to cut.</p><p>When it was time for break, every time he felt that the jokes went way too far, he would find some lame excuse to go to the bathroom and he would come back to the filming area around 10 minutes later, fresh wounds upon his thighs. Of course, he would never let his expression show that he was pained by the jokes. He thanked God for one thing that he does extremely well: hiding his pain behind a smile.</p><p>Junmyeon didn’t know when it began.</p><p>But he was relieved when he does found his release.</p>
<p></p><div>
  <p>***</p>
</div><p>Junmyeon didn’t know when it began.</p><p>But his head was <em>killing</em> him.</p><p>Ever since they started recording their performance on M! Countdown, he had been feeling extremely lightheaded. Even so, he decided not to tell anyone, because he really didn’t need to hold anyone back. He had cut enough that day as it was.</p><p>He almost slipped when he was sliding out of the “wolf cave”. He was so close to losing consciousness, so it was such a miracle that he actually could right himself before he fell flat on either his face or his butt. If that particular recording was used for the broadcast, he was sure that there would be tons of gifs of that particular mistake he did. He really didn’t want to think about the mockery that he was sure to face later on.</p><p>His head was starting to pound. His vision was blurring. He really couldn’t focus on watching his own performance on the screen to monitor himself, let alone other members. So he just stood there, looking at the monitor blankly, as he heard the other members comment on their performance. He was sure someone was commenting on his, but he wasn’t paying attention.</p><p>Even with the stolen sleep time in the car, his headache wasn’t letting up. He wasn’t expecting a quiet time the second they all walk into the dorms, but he sure was wishing for some peace and quiet. <em>God</em>, Chanyeol and Baekhyun were <em>loud</em>. He really couldn’t understand why they were so hyper. They weren’t usually like this on other days.</p><p>“Baekhyun-ah, Chanyeol-ah. Can you keep it down a little…?”</p><p>No response. He figured his voice was way too small in such a noisy room. Junmyeon sighed deeply and pinched the bridge of his nose to lessen the throbbing pain in his head.</p><p>“Guys! Let’s go to bed, we have a schedule tomorrow,” he tried once more. He heard someone sigh sharply.</p><p>“God, hyung, you’re such a killjoy…” he heard Baekhyun say.</p><p>“It’s not that… we can’t be tired on a schedule. Sleeping earlier will prevent that…”</p><p>“Aish, hyung, just because you’re older, that doesn’t mean you can order us around, you know? We know you’re the leader, but we could do without you! Yifan-hyung is more than enough for us.”</p><p>“Chanyeol!”</p><p>That was the last thing that entered his ear and settled in his mind. The last thing he heard was a rough voice reprimanding Chanyeol for what he said, but he couldn’t make out what the voice said to Chanyeol because his mind was fuzzy.</p><p>On the back of his mind, he knew. He had always known. He knew that no one needed him. Yifan was more than enough.</p><p>He was just too delirious to accept it.</p><p>Silently, he walked past Kyungsoo and Yixing, who had shocked expressions on his face (Kyungsoo had a permanent shocked look on his face, but he was gaping this time, so he knew that Kyungsoo <em>was</em> shocked) into his room. He closed the door and laid down on his bed and lifted the comforter over his head. That way, everyone would know not to bother him.</p><p>He could hear whispers behind the closed door, yet he couldn’t make out the words. His heart was set. No one was going to stop him.</p><p>When push comes to shove, this was his last resort.</p><p>He waited.</p><p>He waited until he could hear nothing but the silence in the dorms. He sat up on his bed, and looked around the room. He saw Jongin and Jongdae, sleeping peacefully in their respective beds. He smiled sadly at the sight. He slid off the bed towards both of his dongsaeng’s beds, kissing their foreheads one by one.</p><p>He went to the next room to do the same to Kyungsoo, Sehun, and Luhan. He did the same to Minseok, Tao, Baekhyun and Chanyeol, silently thanking the taller one for making his decision much easier, as cruel and bitter as that sounded.</p><p>The last room was the hardest. He had to tiptoe around Youngmin-hyung’s bed towards Yixing and Yifan. If their manager woke up and found him awake at this time, he wouldn’t hear the end of it. He kissed Yixing and Yifan’s forehead, brushing the hair back on the latter’s forehead lovingly.</p><p>He whispered the same thing to everyone.</p><p>“<em>Mianhae. Saranghae</em>.”</p><p>Then he walked into one of their bathrooms, locked the door, and removed one tile from the floor, revealing his ‘stash’ of razors in a box. He took the box from the hole on the floor, and replaced the tile. And then he walked towards the bathtub, sat in it, plugged the bathtub and filled it with water, not even bothering to undress.</p><p>He found that hole by chance, one day after a hectic and emotionally tiring schedule, and decided to put his razor box in there. It was perfect. No one noticed because it was located in one corner and no one would step on it.</p><p>The box contained multiple razors, some of them stained with his drying blood, and some tissues to wrap the dirty razors. He took one brand new razor, and closed the box. He figured one would be enough. He threw the closed box away from him onto the floor near the bathroom door – he didn’t care if people found that, he was leaving anyways – and took a deep breath. As he exhaled, his tears ran down his face.</p><p>This was it.</p><p>He was leaving them, once and for all.</p><p>Sorry really couldn’t cut it. Not even adding ‘I love you’ set his heart at ease.</p><p>Wasn’t this supposed to be the right thing to do?</p><p>He didn’t know that leaving the people who brought him down was going to be this painful.</p><p>But then again, despite all the pain he went through, they were his band members. His friends. His <em>brothers</em>. One of them actually held his heart and wouldn’t let go.</p><p>He mentally shook his head. He was so close. He couldn’t back down now.</p><p>He needed to leave.</p><p>He raised his right hand that was holding the razor towards his left wrist.</p><p>Slicing his thigh wouldn’t cut it this time.</p><p>He pressed the razor onto the tender skin on his left wrist and winced. He squeezed his eyes shut and pulled his right hand harshly. He opened his eyes to see his body, already submerged in the cold water, and his left wrist bleeding profusely. He watched with amazement as blood ran down his left arm.</p><p>This would be enough.</p><p>He leaned back, let his left wrist fall into the water and closed his eyes. He felt himself sliding down as he gave his body up to gravity, half of his face in the water, the excess water – now colored red by the blood – sloshing onto the bathroom floor.</p><p>His eyes were getting heavier, but he made no effort to escape the blackness that shrouded him.</p><p>Junmyeon didn’t know when it began.</p><p>But he sure knew when it ended.</p>
<p></p><div>
  <p>***</p>
</div><p>Jongdae was sleeping restlessly. He kept squirming and changing position.</p><p>He had been half-awake since he felt some pressure on his forehead and a soft hand petting his hair. He was fully awake to hear his Junmyeon-hyung apologizing and saying that he loved him.</p><p>Why did it feel like a goodbye…?</p><p>He tried to close his eyes again, but someone turned the faucet in the bathroom. It was actually pretty loud. It was probably Tao, taking a bath in the middle of the night with one of their poor hyung-deul being dragged by the panda maknae – possibly Junmyeon, since he wasn’t in his bed. He sat up and rubbed his eyes as he looked around the room. Jongin was sleeping on his bed, but where was Junmyeon?</p><p>Jongdae frowned as he slid off the bed and walked towards the kitchen to get something to drink. After Yifan reprimanded Chanyeol for talking out of hand towards Junmyeon, the atmosphere between all of them was pretty thick and uncomfortable. And when Jongdae felt uncomfortable, he would find it hard to sleep. But drinking always worked to lull him.</p><p>The water noise didn’t stop. Jongdae frowned. He knew that the M maknae had a tendency to take a bath in the middle of the night and fell asleep in the tub. But he knew that the younger man would never waste water.</p><p>Jongdae finished his drink and put the glass in the sink. He could wash it later. He walked towards the bathroom and knocked, “Tao? Tao-yah, don’t waste water! Junmyeon-hyung?”</p><p>No response.</p><p>He kept knocking on the door and talked to the person he assumed was Tao and Junmyeon not to waste water. Then he felt something wet on his feet. The water had actually overflowed until it reached the door. Jongdae sighed sharply. He then turned his vision towards the switch right beside the bathroom door and pressed it to brighten up the dark dorm, and regretted his decision right afterwards.</p><p>He screamed.</p><p>He took a step backwards, and another, and another, until his back hit the wall. He slid down the wall because his legs could no longer hold the weight of his body.</p><p>He heard lights being switched on in the other members’ rooms. He heard heavy footfalls heading towards him.</p><p>“Jongdae-hyung? What’s wrong?”</p><p>Jongdae could only point at the direction of the bathroom door. He couldn’t say a word because of the shock. Not only because of what he saw, but also because Tao, the one he thought was in the bathroom, was the first person to find him. That could only mean that Junmyeon was in the bathroom.</p><p>Bleeding.</p><p>Because the water that hit his feet was tinged red.</p>
<p></p><div>
  <p>***</p>
</div><p>Junmyeon may not know when it began.</p><p>But Yifan had always known.</p><p>Contrary to popular belief, Yifan was actually a pretty bright young man.</p><p>At some point, Yifan realized that he could notice the difference between Junmyeon’s sincere smile and his fake one. He admitted that he once applauded Junmyeon in his head because the difference was extremely imperceptible.</p><p>But he noticed. He knew. He saw everything since his eyes never really left Junmyeon.</p><p>
  <em>Yet he didn’t do anything.</em>
</p><p>He knew how much the boys treated them differently, in terms of leadership. They listened to Yifan well because even though his temper wasn’t all that short, his neutral facial expression was already very intimidating. They made fun of Junmyeon more because they didn’t want Yifan to lose his temper, knowing that Yifan’s temper was shorter than Junmyeon. He found out that Junmyeon was ignored by the boys more often than he was, because Junmyeon always smiled. <em>Yet Yifan had never really interfered</em>.</p><p>He knew how much Junmyeon hated variety shows, because he was looked down upon. In variety shows, Yifan was looked upon as fascinating because of his linguistic prowess. No one really asked him how long his training period was, because it was overshadowed by the length of Junmyeon’s. He also knew that Junmyeon held really tight onto his ‘leader’ title because he felt that without it, he had nothing to offer. But Yifan knew better than that, because Junmyeon was still a better singer, a better dancer, and a better leader than Yifan was. <em>Yet Yifan had never said anything</em>.</p><p>He noticed that Junmyeon had started to look at him differently. He noticed that in China, Junmyeon started to refer to himself as the mother of the group, and Yifan naturally said that he was the father. It was only logical, because he was the other leader. But all of a sudden, Junmyeon stopped the whole eomma-appa thing. He also noticed that he had stopped giving the members back hugs or even simple hugs, not even to him, who was always on the receiving end of Junmyeon’s affection. <em>Yet Yifan had never asked Junmyeon anything about it</em>.</p><p>But he never saw this coming. He never would’ve thought that Junmyeon was so depressed that he resorted to cutting himself.</p><p>The doctor told them that they had saved him just in time. The cut was deep, and Junmyeon had lost a lot of blood. If they were late for just one minute, he would’ve been gone. It didn’t really help that after Yifan and Tao broke down the bathroom door, Junmyeon was already submerged in red water, halting his oxygen supply. The doctor also told them that they found old wounds on Junmyeon’s thighs.</p><p>Since Junmyeon’s blood type was AB, everyone volunteered to donate their blood for Junmyeon. Yixing was out of the question, with his hemophilia, so he hesitantly backed down. But the doctor told them that it would be better if he got a donation from a fellow AB blood type. So in the end, Tao was the one to donate his blood for his hyung and save his life.</p><p>He looked around the – very big and spacious – private room. Outside, Sunghwan-hyung was on the phone, presumably with the higher ups at SM, telling them about the situation. Youngmin-hyung, Hyunkyun-hyung, and Ahreum-noona were sitting on the chairs outside with Sunghwan-hyung. The other members were sprawled here and there around the room. Jongdae, who passed out minutes after they found Junmyeon bleeding in the bathtub, was hooked up on an IV and was asleep on one couch, using Minseok’s thigh as his pillow. Kyungsoo and Jongin leaned onto each other one another couch, tear tracks still clear on the younger man’s cheeks. Chanyeol had buried his face on Baekhyun’s chest, even until now, his whole body was racked with sobs. Sehun’s face was buried on Luhan’s neck, the older man patting the maknae until he saw the younger’s once shaking shoulders move rhythmically, succumbing to exhaustion. Yixing was comforting the M maknae, who cried silently as he watched his – undoubtedly – favorite hyung lie weakly on the hospital gurney with both arms tied to the bars of the bed as a safety precaution.</p><p>There was no such thing as a dry face that night. Even their managers shed tears.</p><p>But the one who shed the most tears was Yifan.</p><p>He could’ve done <em>something</em>.</p><p>He knew that the boys treated them differently. He knew how much Junmyeon hated variety shows. He knew that Junmyeon had feelings for him.</p><p>He <em>should’ve</em> done something.</p><p>It wasn’t as if Yifan didn’t feel anything more than platonic feelings for Junmyeon. Of course not. The second Yifan’s eyes met Junmyeon’s brown orbs, he knew he was a goner. Every time he referred to himself as the father, or when he heard Junmyeon being called “mama”, his heart warmed. He wanted to have that with Junmyeon – he still does.</p><p>Yifan wondered what change it would make if he did say something.</p><p>“Hyung!”</p><p>Yifan snapped out of his reverie after he heard Tao’s heavy-by-tears voice. His eyes widened when he saw Junmyeon’s eyes fluttered open. He quickly opened the door beside the wall he was leaning against and said very quickly, “Junmyeon’s awake!” to the managers who were waiting outside the room. He stepped back as he saw all his members and the managers crowd around Junmyeon. Bless his height, because even from that distance, he could still see Junmyeon pretty clearly.</p><p>“Guys. GUYS!” Yifan said loudly, not even minding that he was in the hospital, “you’re crowding around a sick man. He looked like he’s about to barf. Lay off. Jongdae-ah, don’t move too much, you’ll rip out your own IV.”</p><p>Everyone, even the managers, followed Yifan’s authoritative orders and gave Junmyeon some space to breathe. Even then, Junmyeon was still bombarded with questions.</p><p>“Wh… where am I…?” Junmyeon asked softly.</p><p>“You’re at the hospital. You passed out after you sliced your own vein,” Yifan decided to ignore the flinch Junmyeon made, “Junmyeon, what the hell were you thinking?”</p><p>“Yifan, stop that,” he ignored Minseok’s words and walked closer towards Junmyeon’s bed and slightly glared at the young man. He wasn’t angry at Junmyeon. He was angry at himself, and he was deathly afraid of losing Junmyeon.</p><p>“Wouldn’t it be nicer, though…?”</p><p>Everyone’s eyes bulged. Did they really just hear that…?</p><p>“If I’m not around, you don’t need to worry about which leader to listen to. Yifan’s more than enough, right? You guys treat him better than you did me after all…”</p><p>“Junmyeon…”</p><p>“I don’t really contribute to anything anyways. If you need someone to sing, you have Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and Jongdae. Jongin, Yixing, Luhan, Sehun and Minseok are better dancers than I am. Chanyeol, Yifan, Tao can rap.”</p><p>“Junmyeon-ah, stop that.”</p><p>“See? I can just leave and you guys can continue on…”</p><p>“STOP THAT!”</p><p>Everyone had their eyes on the floor. Yifan was breathing heavily after his outburst. Junmyeon was crying as he tried to avoid everyone’s eyes. Yifan stood beside Junmyeon’s bed, took his hand and sat on the chair beside the bed with his head down.</p><p>“You don’t get it. We <em>need</em> you. Even without the roles, you’re still a very important part of this group. Who’s gonna protect us if you’re not around? Who’s gonna sing Tao to sleep? Who’s gonna help Yixing and Kyungsoo in the kitchen? Who’s gonna play games with Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Jongin and Jongdae just to stop them from making a mess around the dorm? Who’s gonna learn choreography with Luhan, Sehun and Minseok? Junmyeon-ah.”</p><p>Yifan’s suddenly stern tone made Junmyeon look up. He sobbed as he saw the older man’s eyes glistened with tears. On the corner of his eye, he could see the other members and the managers file out of the room to give the leaders some time for themselves.</p><p>“Who am I going to love if you’re gone…?”</p><p>Junmyeon could only widen his eyes at the remark and not say anything, because his lips were occupied by Yifan’s. He closed his eyes and let a tear fall from his eye as he kissed the other man back.</p><p>His heart was bursting with a myriad of emotions. On one side, he was a little bit disappointed because his attempt had failed, on the other side, he was sorry for worrying everyone, especially the maknae-line – he could see the unshed tears on Tao, Jongin, and Sehun’s eyes. But the biggest side of his heart was filled with joy.</p><p>He <em>was</em> needed.</p>
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  <p>***</p>
</div><p>After Junmyeon was discharged, the higher-ups at SM decided to give EXO a break for a month. They cleared out their schedules and let them do whatever they want. Junmyeon assumed the Chinese members would want to go home, but they decided to stay in Korea and planned a lot of things to do together.</p><p>They gathered around one night in the living room. Junmyeon was still a little bit pale, and his left wrist was wrapped in bandages, a constant reminder for everyone of what happened. Everyone spoke one by one about the things they felt like they did wrong, not only to Junmyeon, but also to the other members. They also spoke up about the person they want apology from, and got them. Junmyeon asked everyone not to treat him as if he were made of glass, but also to watch what they were saying so that no one would get hurt. Junmyeon also vowed not to take variety shows way too seriously, making the boys laugh. Some of the boys even said that they would protect Junmyeon from “evil MCs” (Sehun’s words, not Junmyeon’s).</p><p>The air was much clearer by the time everyone was done. They smiled at each other and started making fun of each other again. Junmyeon could only lean his head to the right, putting his head on Yifan’s shoulder with a smile as they watch the other members joke around.</p><p>“Tired?” Yifan asked as he kissed the crown of Junmyeon’s head and wrapped an arm around Junmyeon’s shoulder. He shook his head the best he could with his position.</p><p>Junmyeon didn’t know when it began.</p><p>But he now knew that he didn’t want it to end.</p>
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